I went to church on Sunday. For those that know me, know that I am not really of the church-going type… but for those that follow me on Instagram know that I’m going through a very. VERY. rough spot in my marriage right now, as well. My marriage has been on very rocky ground for several years now, but still the blow that the end is lurking near has sent me spiraling and gasping for air along the way. I have a dear friend who has been through some pretty gnarly situations in her marriage, as well, who has stood by her phone every waking hour for my every text. She has checked in on me on some days by the hour, and has listened/read EVERY crazy thought that has come into my mind. If I needed an alibi, she would likely be that person for me. She is in far too deep, but I’m not sure if I could have survived the last month of my life without her.
So, when this dear friend invited me to church this last Sunday… and by invited I mean, gave me 6 different start times to choose from… offered her husband for babysitting services… and promised me vodka and valium as an after-church-treat… I knew that she had my best interest at heart. I also knew that I’m willing to do almost anything to find some clarity, and be able to catch my breath for the first time in weeks.
I would consider myself an iffy-religious-based person, at best. I have a hard time with the parameters of Christianity, and I like the idea of simply being a good human more than I like the idea of organized religion. So, when the service started and it was HEAVY on the Bible verses and stories of the resurrection (since we’re nearing Easter), I could have chosen to skip out mentally, but I didn’t. The message of the service was still very loud and clear to me because of the way that the preacher? bishop? priest? delivered the power of her words. She spoke of the night before the crucifixion… the time spent in Gethsemane. She did a fantastic job of relating that to real life, and the message was that in the most deafening times of your life — when everything you know has been crushed — something magnificent can come from the pain, if you let it. She gave examples of bread being crushed and turning to grain, grapes to wine, and olives to precious oil. She said that if you allow this time and pressure to create something beautiful, exactly that will happen.
I am hoping with every part of my being that what can come of this crushing time in my life is a better, stronger, and healthier marriage… but I am also beginning to accept the fact that if that doesn’t happen, then the beauty of this awful time will be a better, stronger, and healthier version of myself. Actually… that is going to happen either way… I just hope it is a better, stronger, healthier STILL MARRIED version of myself.
Thank you, everyone… for all the love and support that I have received. Countless hours of service from friends, text messages from wonderful people, and lines of support from complete strangers have been shared with me, and I am forever grateful to all of you.
Photo credit: Shannon Elizabeth Photography Makeup credit: Amelia C. & Co.
Jodi,
I am great at picking up on subtleties and have been thinking about you when I have seen posts here and there. I too know that horrible feeling of not being able breathe, think, or function. To think your best friend and partner may not be that person anymore. It’s paralyzingly. There were days and weeks I couldn’t get out of bed. Where I cried so much I didn’t think I would survive. There were times I just didn’t want to. But I was alone. I didn’t have children. I only had myself. My first marriage for 12 years was terrible. No one forced me to stay besides myself and I tolerated behavior that I can’t imagine dealing with today.
Know that as Flo and The Machine say “The darkness always comes before the light “. It’s true. The best advice I have ever been given, is that I hear every week on an airplane. “Put the facemask on yourself before you help anyone else”. You can’t save someone if you don’t save yourself first.
I pray that your marriage does pull through this and you are so right. You will make it and be a better person after all of this. You’re an amazingly talented woman and a loving mother. That won’t ever change.
I’ve been there. Pray. Even if you want to fight it or don’t believe. It will save you in the end. Keeping you in my prayers ❤️
Omg, Colleen! I’m so sorry, but for some reason I’m just seeing this message!! THANK YOU SO MUCH! You described every feeling that I have had in the past and still have on some days now! These words mean the world to me, and I am so thankful to have you in my life! Thank you again for taking the time to share this with me. xo.
Don’t know what your exact circumstances are, but my mom is going through almost the same thing… knowing that something beautiful has to come from the last 3 years that was all things awful. I know it will for you, too. Keep hangin’ on, girlfriend, and bless your friends that help you do it.